Girl, (Nearly) 16: Absolute Torture Read online

  ‘Tell me how you got here!’ said Jess.

  ‘Well, I’d always planned to come down and surprise you,’ said Fred. ‘I sold the Riverdene tickets to Luke, which gave me a nice little Cornwall travel fund, and I made a bit extra from my distinguished career in the catering business – until I was sacked on day two.’

  ‘Amazing!’ said Jess. ‘I never suspected anything. Although I was insanely jealous. Tell me about those cheerleaders!’ she went on, pinning him to the turf. ‘Which, if any, did you fancy?’

  ‘I didn’t fancy any of them,’ said Fred. ‘As you know, when it comes to girls I have a savoury tooth.’

  Jess demanded another kiss at this point. Fred went along with it, although he pulled his hood up halfway through.

  ‘Fred, you’re an idiot!’ said Jess. ‘You’re not supposed to put extra clothes on while snogging.’

  ‘Not right now,’ said Fred, glancing anxiously around. ‘I have this terror of your dad looming up like some kind of Cornish God of War and knocking me unconscious with one mighty blow of his beefy fist!’

  ‘My dad, beefy fists?’ laughed Jess. ‘He’s about as tough and beefy as a grasshopper. Anyway, he’s back home right now having a rather tragic little sleep.’

  ‘Are you sure your mum’s safely miles away?’ asked Fred, still looking around furtively. He knew Jess’s mum was a force to be reckoned with, and feared the deadly lash of her feminist tongue.

  ‘Yeah, I told you, she’s at the Eden Project! Relax, for goodness’ sake, Fred! It’s so fabulous having you here. I thought you’d gone to Riverdene with Flora.’

  ‘With Flora? How weird your imagination is, dear child. I had to tell my parents I was going to Riverdene with Luke because, of course, they’d have disapproved of this mad escapade. And at least it stopped you thinking I might be on my way down here.’

  ‘Well, Flora really is at Riverdene, apparently – unless it’s just another front and she’s going to appear any minute.’

  ‘I certainly hope not!’ said Fred. ‘I’ve got nothing against the girl. I just hate to share you with anybody else even for a split second.’

  ‘And I thought you were at Riverdene together!’ said Jess, shaking her head. ‘I was heartbroken, you moron!’

  Fred administered a huge and reassuring cuddle. Then they just sat and looked down at the surfers.

  ‘I’m going to learn how to surf!’ said Jess. ‘I think it’s a smart career move.’

  ‘It looks terrifying to me,’ said Fred doubtfully. He always pretended to be useless at sports, even though Jess suspected that he secretly did press-ups and sit-ups at night on his bedroom floor. His tummy was certainly very firm whenever she punched it.

  Some little kids, who had been screeching irritatingly nearby for the past five minutes, ran up and asked the time.

  ‘6.30,’ said Jess. She was surprised to see how late it was. The sun was still high in the summer sky, and the waves kept on coming and crashing against the rocks that skirted the island. The sea just going on and on like that had made her lose all track of time. And of course, when she was with Fred, two hours could flash past like two minutes.

  ‘It’s late!’ she said. ‘I must get back to my dad’s. Where are you staying?’

  ‘I’ve got my sleeping bag,’ said Fred. ‘I spent last night in an old shed type thing just around the coast path. I thought I’d just sleep on the beach tonight.’

  ‘Don’t be silly!’ said Jess. ‘You might be mugged or peed on by sea lions, or something. You must come and stay at Dad’s.’

  ‘There is a backpackers’ hostel but it’s full,’ said Fred. ‘I can’t afford a B&B because I used up most of my money on the way down. I tried hitching but I didn’t have much luck. My grotesque appearance must have put people off. It took me two days to get here.’

  ‘Two days?’ said Jess, surprised.

  ‘Yes. I slept in a station waiting-room on the first night, and in a barn on the next night – which was, of course, rat-infested.’

  ‘Oh my goodness, how horrible!’ shuddered Jess. ‘You must come and stay at Dad’s. But wait … I don’t think we should just turn up together, out of the blue.’

  Getting Fred installed at Dad’s was a major challenge. He could easily flip, and throw a massive tantrum. However was she going to manage it?

  Chapter 31

  ‘I can’t possibly come and meet your dad,’ said Fred, cringing. ‘Men are very protective about their daughters. He might poke my eyes out with a gigantic paintbrush or something.’

  ‘What I’ll do,’ said Jess, ‘is go home and wait till he’s woken up. If I storm in there and wake him up, he might be a bit grouchy. I’ll just kind of gently break the news that I’ve got a boyfriend.’

  ‘Is that what I am?’ said Fred, looking appalled. ‘Dear me! I had only presumed to think of myself as your minder.’

  ‘You couldn’t mind a chihuahua!’ laughed Jess. ‘Anyway, I’ll see how he reacts to that, then I’ll just tell him the truth – that you’ve come down on a surprise visit.’

  ‘I’ll go down to the beach, then,’ said Fred, getting up and pulling on his backpack. ‘Down there. I’ll just lie around in the sand hoping to be spotted by a ditzy blonde clothed from head to toe in rubber.’

  ‘I hate you!’ Jess grinned, giving Fred and his backpack a mighty hug.

  ‘And I assure you the feeling’s mutual,’ said Fred. ‘It’s been well worth coming all the way down here to find that you’re even more repulsive than I remember.’

  They ran down the grassy slope and found a cosy place for Fred by some rocks. Jess looked around anxiously. She couldn’t actually see any ditzy blondes in rubber, but she was sure they were hiding in a crack in the rock and the minute she abandoned Fred, they would swarm out and kidnap him.

  ‘Wish me luck!’ she whispered, giving him a ferocious goodbye kiss. Fred reciprocated heartily. Boy, could that guy kiss. Jess felt as if her brain had been sucked out and replaced by fireworks.

  ‘I’ll run off now, and I won’t look back,’ she said. ‘In case this whole thing has been a fantasy.’

  ‘Please, God, let it be a fantasy,’ said Fred. ‘I don’t fancy sleeping on this beach all night.’

  Jess ran off, back down Back Road West. Eventually it changed into Back Road East. She loved the names of the roads in St Ives. She loved everything about St Ives. And she loved it even more now Fred was in it. His blessed presence seemed to spread over the whole town, like the smell of chips, only even more delicious.

  As she neared Dad’s house, however, Jess began to feel horribly nervous. What would her dad’s attitude be? She would have to be very, very careful and diplomatic and cautious in her approach to the subject.

  As she opened the door – very quietly – and tiptoed in, she almost hoped her dad was still asleep. Though it would mean she had to wait longer to see Fred again, it would also give her more time to cook up a good story. Although, wait! It wasn’t a question of cooking up a story. Jess was so used to lying – especially recently – that it was a kind of instinctive response.

  All she had to do was tell the truth. But somehow this felt much, much more dangerous than lying. It was terrifying. What if Dad went off on one, accused her of being a sly little tramp? He might lock her in her room with bread and water and summon the heavy brigade – i.e. Mum – to take her back home immediately in a prison van with a police escort.

  As she closed the door, Jess heard the sound of a radio in the kitchen. Oh! He had woken up. She had to tell the truth right now. She entered the kitchen. Her dad was sitting at the table staring at a mug of tea. A stone cold mug of tea, untouched. Jess had a weird impression that it was the same tea he’d been holding when she’d left. This was odd, and unnerving.

  ‘Tea?’ he asked, rousing himself and switching off the radio. ‘In fact, fresh tea. Long overdue.’

  ‘No thanks,’ said Jess. She could not possibly face anything to eat or drink right now. ‘Did you have a
good sleep?’

  ‘No, I didn’t even have a lie down, actually …’ said her dad. ‘I had some phone calls to make …’

  He looked bit odd. A bit preoccupied. He was glancing round the room as if he had forgotten something. Then suddenly he turned to her and their eyes sort of locked together in a hypnotised stare. Jess’s legs began to shake. It was as if Dad knew, or something. Had he gone for a walk and seen her and Fred together on the Island? Deep inside, she blushed hotly at the thought.

  But this was clearly the moment. She had to find courage from somewhere. She cleared her throat. Should she sit down? Her legs felt about to buckle anyway. Or should she stay standing up? Then she could get a flying start if it proved necessary to run away. In the end she sort of perched sideways on a chair.

  ‘Dad,’ she said, in a shaky voice. ‘I’m afraid I have a bit of a bombshell.’

  His eyes widened. His head tilted. He said nothing. He looked seriously scared.

  ‘The fact is,’ Jess went on, ‘I have a confession to make. I’ve got a secret boyfriend. He’s dying to meet you. And he’s waiting, right now, down on the beach.’

  Dad’s face went through about a hundred expressions: alarm, amusement, shock, embarrassment, mystery. It was like a mail-order catalogue from the Big Emotion Company. For a long, long minute he said nothing. Then his face settled to a particular look, and to Jess’s absolute astonishment, he seemed, well, sheepish.

  ‘OK, then,’ he said, at last. ‘If it’s bombshell time, I’ve got one, too. The fact is, I’ve also got a secret boyfriend. And he’s waiting, right now, down on the beach.’

  Chapter 32

  Jess felt a sort of roaring in her ears. Then her head cleared and the room was totally silent, except for the suddenly loud ticking of a clock. She couldn’t believe what she’d just heard.

  ‘Do you mean,’ she said, sounding rather pale and scratchy, because her voice felt somehow shy, ‘that you’re gay?’

  Dad blushed, and pursed his lower lip up in a kind of rueful smile. ‘I’m afraid so,’ he shrugged.

  Jess felt goosebumps run all over her skin. How weird! How incredibly weird! Her brain went whizzing back over the years, remembering times they’d had together. They’d visited the museum, and he’d shown her the dinosaur bones – and all the time he was gay! He’d taken her to the cafe and they’d shared pizza and Coke – and all the time he was gay! He’d read her goodnight stories, he’d gone for walks in the park, he’d taken her to see movies – and all the time, he’d been gay! In a way, though, although the idea was so very mind-boggling, the more she thought about it, the more she felt it explained everything.

  ‘Well, why on earth didn’t you say so years ago?’ she said. She was beginning to feel a crazy kind of relief. She didn’t like the thought that he might have actually gone to bed with men and kissed them and stuff. However, if he was straight, she wouldn’t have liked the thought that he was going to bed with a woman. One just doesn’t want to think of one’s parents doing that kind of stuff at all.

  ‘I didn’t – I wasn’t – I thought you might be upset.’ Her dad seemed more uncertain, more tongue-tied and embarrassed than she was.

  ‘Of course I’m not upset!’ said Jess. ‘It’s brilliant! It’s so cool! Wait till I tell all my friends! They’ll be so jealous!’

  ‘Don’t you … mind, then?’ said Dad hesitantly.

  ‘Mind?’ said Jess, making a huge, heroic effort to reassure him. ‘I’m thrilled to bits, you moron! Congratulations! Give me a hug!’

  She broke into a dazzling grin, and her dad smiled uncertainly. They both got up awkwardly and fell into each other’s arms. There was a cracking noise.

  ‘You’ve broken my rib now,’ said Dad. ‘This is why I’ve never messed with women. They have the strength of ten men.’

  ‘Of ten tigers, you mean!’ said Jess. Then a thought suddenly occurred to her. ‘Does Mum know?’

  ‘Yes. Well, it became obvious. It was why the marriage broke down really.’

  ‘She should have told me!’ said Jess.

  ‘I know – my fault, too,’ said Dad. ‘We just kept discussing how and when would be the appropriate time, and somehow we hadn’t got around to it yet.’

  ‘You should have told me years ago,’ said Jess. ‘It’s a brilliant reason for your marriage not working, don’t you see? I mean, obviously your marriage wouldn’t work if your husband was gay.’

  ‘I think I need a cup of coffee,’ said Dad, moving towards the kettle. ‘This has all been so sudden.’

  ‘It hasn’t been nearly sudden enough, if you ask me,’ said Jess. ‘Honestly, Dad! You should have told me years and years ago. It would have made perfect sense of everything.’

  ‘Well,’ said Dad, filling the kettle, ‘I was really mixed up when I married your mum and I thought getting married would sort me out. But it didn’t work. All I did was put her through a horrible rejection.’

  ‘That wasn’t all you did, you muppet!’ said Jess. ‘You created me, your fabulous daughter. Mum couldn’t have done it on her own. However, moving hastily on, and avoiding that gruesome topic, I’ll have a hot chocolate, please.’

  Now she’d got used to the idea, Jess was really delighted about it. ‘So many cool people are gay, Dad. Honestly. You’ve got to have a bit of confidence in yourself. What about gay pride?’

  ‘Yes, well,’ said Dad nervously. ‘There still is a lot of prejudice about it. My own father wouldn’t speak to me for two years after I told him.’

  ‘What!’ exclaimed Jess. ‘Grampy?’ She was outraged. Nanna and Grampy, Dad’s parents, had emigrated to Australia ten years ago, so Jess hadn’t seen much of them. They still sent her Christmas and birthday presents and talked to her on the phone sometimes, but she wasn’t really close to them like she was with Granny.

  ‘It was to do with the way he was brought up,’ said Dad. ‘I mean, his parents were born in the Victorian age.’

  ‘I so hate the Victorians!’ said Jess. ‘They were so harsh. Still, never mind about them. Tell me about your boyfriend!’

  Dad blushed again. The kettle came to the boil, and he made a cup of coffee for himself and a hot chocolate for Jess.

  ‘What’s his name?’ said Jess.

  ‘Phil.’

  ‘What, the same as your lodger? Wait! I get it! You said he was your lodger to keep me in the dark.’

  ‘Well, yes – I had to think on my feet. You turned up unannounced a day early.’

  ‘So all that stuff about his ex-girlfriend was garbage as well?’

  ‘’Fraid so. Sorry, sweetheart.’

  ‘What does he do?’

  ‘He owns a boutique. And he’s got a little boat. He likes fishing. And he’s a surfer.’

  ‘A surfer? Wow! And he’s down on the beach right now? Let’s go!’

  ‘Wait, wait,’ said Dad. ‘I haven’t finished my coffee. And you haven’t told me about your boyfriend.’

  ‘Oh, well. There’s nothing to tell really. He’s just the most brilliant, funny, crazy boy in the world.’

  ‘What’s his name?’

  ‘Fred.’

  ‘Ah! Frederika, I assume.’

  ‘Yes. Sorry I lied, Dad.’

  ‘Well, we’ve both lied. It’s a shame it’s not a commercially valuable operation. You and I could lie for England. We could found a company called Lie-U-Like.’

  ‘Or Lies ’R’ Us! I also lied about all those school-friends of mine, too. You know – Eleanor whose mum went to live in California and had two babies called Carlo and something or other.’

  ‘I thought it was her dad who went to California?’

  ‘Possibly, possibly, Dad. Who cares? I was only trying to make it easier for you to tell me you had a new wife and revolting baby.’

  ‘Well, you were barking up the wrong tree there.’

  ‘Well, I’m dying to see him again! Let’s go now!’

  ‘And I’m going to meet Fred,’ said Dad, looking apprehensive. ‘I hope
he’s not somebody you picked up on the beach?’

  ‘Don’t be a moron, Dad,’ said Jess. ‘I’ve known Fred all my life. We met at playgroup when I was about three and a half. He hit me over the head with an inflatable bus and we’ve been best mates ever since.’

  ‘And what’s he like?’

  ‘Well, to be honest, Dad, I think he’s a little bit like you. Sort of useless, and amusing.’

  ‘God help the poor lad, then,’ sighed Dad. He finished his coffee, washed up the mugs, and then turned to Jess with a big smile. ‘Come on, then,’ he said. ‘Let’s get it over with. Although frankly I would rather eat a live porcupine than meet a boyfriend of yours.’

  ‘Likewise, I’m sure,’ said Jess. ‘I’d rather eat a live bison.’

  They went out and strolled hand-in-hand down the higgledy-piggledy whitewashed lanes of St Ives. When they were nearly at the beach, Jess stopped for a minute.

  ‘Just promise me one thing,’ she said. ‘I don’t want you to do any of that hand-holding or kissing or anything with Phil. It’s not because you’re gay or anything. I’d hate it even more if he was a woman. Ugh! Gross!’

  ‘I totally agree,’ said Dad. ‘And likewise you and Fred must stay at an arm’s length at all times. Or I might revert into a bad-tempered Victorian tyrant and lock you in a tower and throw Fred to the hounds.’

  ‘It’s a deal,’ said Jess. Although it was reassuring to know that if she and Fred did forget this vow and accidentally brush up against each other, their penalty would at least be gruesome and picturesque.

  They arrived at the beach. Fred was sitting on the rocks exactly where Jess had left him, with his hood pulled up. He was looking out to sea.

  ‘Fred!’ called Jess.

  Fred turned and saw them, and staggered clumsily to his feet. He tripped over one of the rocks and sort of shrugged his shoulders about awkwardly before pulling down his hood and revealing his peculiar but mesmerising face, with its big grey eyes and satirical smile.

  ‘Fred, this is my dad. Dad, this is Fred,’ said Jess. They shook hands. Fred was almost as tall as Dad, and they smiled gawkily at each other.